Content Warning: Suicide
When I decided to go public with this blog, I chose the launch date for my mother’s birthday, November 24, a Tuesday this year. I obsessively posted something every Tuesday until last week when I forced myself to take a break. My Tuesday compulsion wasn’t driven solely by my mom’s birthday, though. A lot of it had to do with my long hate affair with Tuesday.
It doesn’t get the attention that Monday does. Being the beginning of the traditional work week, pop culture is full of references to Monday hatred. Even in my far-too-many years working in retail, Monday was noticeable for its return to the weekday doldrums after the rush of the weekend.
When I worked as a janitor, I always hated Tuesday. We were always prepared for people calling in sick with their Monday hangovers. Tuesdays always hit us much harder with people still hung over and thinking it would be less noticeable to call in sick. Those Tuesdays were always the worst and built me quite a hatred for the day. This is not, however, my real reason for wanting to make something positive out of my Tuesdays.
When I was 21 years old, I made a plan to commit suicide. I had been depressed for years, and things were looking particularly bleak that summer. I had suffered a heartbreak. I quit a job, thinking I was going to land a much better one that didn’t happen. I had so much doubt that life would get better, and I had long thought I wouldn’t live to see 30 anyway. So I made my plan, and I scheduled the event for a Tuesday.
I don’t know what kept me from killing myself that day. I may have just been too scared to go through with it. I may have felt too guilty about how my mom would react. There was no dramatic rescue or life-changing conversation. I told no one of my plan beforehand and have told very few people since. I got lucky that day and really every day ever since.
Suicidal thoughts have crept back into my head many times, and I’m sure they’ll return many more. I’m a war veteran, a PTSD sufferer, an abuse survivor, so many things that make me a high risk. I don’t expect that risk will ever really go away.
Going forward, I make no promises about posting on any day of the week*. I will let the posts publish when I feel they’re ready. I’ve let go of my need to post every Tuesday. I’m even giving up my hate for the day. Maybe I’ll join the crowd and start hating Mondays.