Excuse Me While I Talk About Sexuality

Waterolor beautiful girl. Vector illustration of woman beauty salon

Every time I publish something deeply personal I get met with wonderfully surprising amount of incredible support. Still somehow I find myself scared to write some of my most personal stuff. So I decided to take part in August McLaughlin’s Beauty of a Woman Blogfest. If you’re not familiar with August, she is an amazing writer and podcaster who has inspired me to write a little bit about one of my most difficult topics: sexuality.

When I talk of my own experience with sexual abuse, I often mention how lucky I was. So many other survivors I know suffered for years and much more severely. Despite my luck, however, I was deeply scarred by the experience. I was much too young to learn about sex, and when those teenage hormones arrived years later, I had an especially hard time handling them.

Having sexual feelings made me feel incredibly dirty. It’s hard to say if being abused by a female made it worse for me as a heterosexual male, but I certainly had a hard time accepting my sexual attraction to girls. I went through phases when I tried to convince myself I was gay. These were extra strong when a particular young woman caught my eye. When someone pointed out being gay meant I would be attracted to men, I gave up on pursuing that lie.

Later in life, I explored asexuality. Even though I’d had sex in the past, I knew people often pushed themselves outside their comfort zones to conform with societal norms. I’ve lost count of the number of gay people I know who’ve had heterosexual relationships despite knowing it wasn’t what they really wanted. I mentioned the idea to a therapist who knew me well enough at that point to assure me that I was quite wrong on that idea as well.

Relationships have often been difficult for me. As a young adult, I had multiple women break up with me because I wasn’t “fast” enough. My lack of pushing boundaries came across as disinterest. My first sexual partner had known me for years before our first time. It got easier for me after that, but I still had… have a hard time thinking of my sexuality as something beautiful.

While I’m on the subject, I should say a little about the beautiful lady in my life. We met in very modern fashion online, and I will freely admit that I fell for her quickly. An important reason why is that she is so patient and understanding of my sexual shyness. I won’t share intimate details of our relationship, but despite the fast emotional development, the physical was much slower in progressing. And I am ever so grateful for that.

Advertisements

20 thoughts on “Excuse Me While I Talk About Sexuality

  1. Drew, this is such a brave and important post. Thanks *so much* for sharing your story.

    I’m sure more folks can relate than you’ll hear from (much because of the shame you mentioned), but know that you’re shedding needed light.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, August, I can’t even express how touched I am. You are such an inspiration even to people like me who are not girls. I love Girl Boner, and I don’t think I could’ve written this (or the even scarier stuff to come) without it. Thank you so much.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Very well done and beautifully written. I love how you speak of difficult experiences that are so personal and intimate and troubling without being being in anyway negative. That is really inspiring to me. Your words are very matter of fact and not accusing. Also, thank you for leading me to August’s website where I have been able to discover some other really cool writers! I hope to have the guts to participate in her Woman Blogfest next year. The content is fantastic.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. First I want to tell you…beautifully written. I’m so glad you opted to participate.

    Then I’ll say, ugh! You hit one of my hot buttons, and ready or not, you’re about to know me a whole lot better.

    There are things that seriously tee me off. Like who decides whose pain, loss, or grief is more valid or deeper than someone else’s? They shouldn’t be compared. There are no badges or severity awards to be given out for quantity v. quality of pain and suffering. Pain is pain. Hurt is hurt. Devastation is devastation. And healing happens at it’s own pace.

    Is the loss of an adult loved one any less painful than losing a child? Is finding out you have cancer more devastating to someone with a family v. someone single?

    Your betrayal and loss of innocence is not measured in time spent. It’s yours, and your process for coming to terms is also your own. Don’t allow anyone to minimize your experience based on lack of time spent.

    Also, I wanted to tell you you’re not alone. There are a lot of us survivors out there. We all just handle our healing process differently. Thanks for having the courage to speak out. So many male victims/survivors tell no one because they think somehow it makes them less. I couldn’t disagree more. I think it was incredibly STRONG of you to share your story.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. THANK YOU! So many men are afraid to talk about their experiences with sexual abuse, and even as a survivor myself I often forget that the shoe fits the other foot as well. Thank you so much for being open enough to share this. I can honestly tell you, that there will come a point where you will realize sexuality can be beautiful and the past, will be little more than a memory.

    I am so happy you found someone who can respect your boundaries, and love you for all that you are. I wish you the best of luck in your healing Drew, and I hope you keep talking about this, keep opening up and sharing your story because not only will it help others, but I can also promise it will help you in your healing process.

    . Te Amo.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. A very moving story. So happy you are in a relationship now with someone who lets you be who you are and does not put you on a schedule for intimacy until you are ready. Thank you for writing.

    Liked by 1 person

Speak to me

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s