Depression Confession

It won’t be displayed for a little bit yet, but I was nominated by the wonderful SynDolly for a Lovely Blog Award. I am beyond touched by the nomination and what she had to say about my blog. I will fulfill the requirements for the award soon, but first I have to get something else out of my head.

I’ve been pretty well knocked out by a bout of depression for some time now. It made reading and writing feel like work. It was hard for me to allow myself a break from them, but doing so was probably for the best. I think I’m on my way back now, but I’m treading lightly. It’s important not to force it but to do it because I love it. I give this same advice to friends all the time. I suck at taking it myself.

The most frustrating thing about this latest phase has been that there is no clear reason for it. I’m not sad about anything. Life is going really well. My complaints are quite minimal. I have great friends, an amazing girlfriend, a crazy but entertaining kitty, and the list could go on for pages. Still, feeling good about anything has been a huge struggle.

I faked it the best I could. I thanked people for complimenting work that I forced out while a part of me was angry. That anger was definitely misdirected, though. I was angry at myself because I have so much more and so much better work I want to do, need to do. Maybe it’s fear bringing me down.

My writing luck has been incredible. Whenever I share something personal. people call me brave, thank me, practically bury me with love and compliments. A lot of other writers I know get trolled all the time. My audience is pretty small, but it would stand to reason I’d attract a little more negativity by now. Then again, that little bit of negativity has been powerful enough.

Hurtful comments from strangers probably would still sting, but they would probably be easier to handle. The first one happened right after I published something deeply personal about my mom. My childhood abuser chose that moment to contact me after nearly two decades to try and hurt me again. A few more, though fortunately rare, examples have followed. Thankfully, they have mostly been drowned out by love from friends and a quite a number of strangers.

So like I said, I will soon get some things together and do a post for my Lovely Blog Award including some nominations for others. That will require me to catch up on some reading so I can make sure I don’t repeat a nomination. Before I do that, though, I have to go spend some time with that amazing girlfriend of mine.

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