It was another Saturday night, and my wife was off working. I’d been playing around with the memoir I started writing almost four years ago. I had this idea that I would be done with it by early summer. Of course, that didn’t happen.
Over the past week, I’ve been going through things again, tinkering like crazy and hating most of what I had. I could tinker for years and started thinking once again of ripping the whole thing up and doing it all over again.
Instead, I went ahead and submitted it for publication. Now here it is: Things I Could Never Tell My Mother (And Some Things She Told Me), available on Amazon for $7.99 paperback, $3.49 ebook, or both for $8.98. You can get an ebook for yourself and gift someone the paperback. There’s no audiobook yet, but it might be in the works.
It’s a short, quick read which is exactly what I planned. I’m a long ways from being happy with the writing, but I reached the point of having to just let it go. It’s a miracle I published it and even more so that I’m admitting to have published it. I haven’t even told my wife.
I prefer not to think about people reading it. I doubt I will do much marketing. I will definitely not be reading reviews. It’s nothing personal….
Actually, it’s entirely personal. I did the whole thing myself, including photos, formatting, and cover design. I suck at accepting compliments and will use criticisms as clubs to beat myself up for doing this thing. So I will be avoiding any reviews. But thanks anyway.
And if you don’t check the book out, that’s cool too. I’ll be trying to convince myself of that anyway.
This was a fun little refrain from Bill Simmons on some recent podcasts. I might say I used to be a podcaster, but I haven’t done enough of those to feel like I qualify. I do listen to a lot of podcasts. And I tried to record one somewhat recently, but technology did not cooperate.
Grad school has been kicking my writing ass. I write all the time, and it’s often not enjoyable. My frequent refrain is, “It’s done. It’s not good. But it’s done.” So forget trying to blog on top of that.
In fact, the assignment I have due tomorrow is supposed to be a blog of sorts. It inspired me to do this one instead. On the bright side, though, if I pass, I’ll be halfway done with this master’s degree. I do love school, but this term has not been my best. My brain has just not been into it, and it’s been wearing me down.
Despite that, I am close to being done with my trauma-focused memoir, the title of which I will not reveal just yet. However, I do plan to finish it off during my break week. I’ve done the whole thing myself, mostly using stuff I wrote a few years ago with some edits, rewrites, and some additions. I don’t advise doing such a thing entirely by oneself. It has inspired another round of that refrain, “It’s done. It’s not good. But it’s done.” (Except it’s not quite done yet.)
The writing is pretty well done. There’s just a little bit of formatting left to do. Then I can really bust out that refrain. And I can let that piece of shit out into the world. It’s been a long time coming, and it’s past time for it to go.
So wow. I wrote something. Praise be. Miracles happen.
I really do love research. Reading and writing and all that stuff is tons of fun for me. I’m a nerd like that. However, sometimes it just sucks. Sometimes the research is a little less interesting, and writing like I have a stick up my ass is not a ton of fun. Add it all up, and sometimes this thing sucks.
So I need to make sure I take a little more time here and there writing like I don’t give a shit. Maybe it’ll help me recharge my batteries. At the very least, I’ll enjoy it and have a little more fun in life.
Right now it is definitely sucking. I’m having a hard time getting the things done. I end up procrastinating right up until the deadline pressure pushes the sludge out of me. I don’t like doing that. I’ve been trying to schedule things and create my own deadlines to help push things along. I even thought about applying for a full-time job so that I could return to the days of being tired and stressed. (The wife talked some sense into me.)
I’ve got a part-time temp gig coming sometime soon. Maybe that’ll help. And maybe slopping out a blog post will help. Or maybe nothing will help, and I end up putting things off until right before deadline. Let’s hope not.
I have three things due tomorrow, and while I’ve made progress on all of them, I can’t seem to get any of them completely done. Two of the things are papers that have some small section that is just hanging me up. One is some damn thing that I cannot properly explain, which might be part of the reason why I can’t get the damn thing done.
As much as I used to say I thrive on deadline pressure, I’ve come to realize I don’t really like it. I like getting the shit done and relaxing, knowing that I am finished with plenty of time to go. The way things are shaping up, this will not be occurring this week. I will be locked down in some quiet place, killing myself to slop something onto these pages and hating every second of it.
I’ve reached the point where I’m not all that worried about what grades I get on these things. I’ll be happy just getting some credit so that I can hopefully make up for these failures somewhere down the road.
Regardless, I think I’m quitting for tonight. My brain power is gone, and I need to unwind with some Netflix or some shit.
Sometime after the 2016 election, I decided to stop talking politics. It seemed pointless since people weren’t listening to anything I had to say anyway. I’ve done it on rare occasions since with people who are able to demonstrate some basic knowledge of American government. I should emphasize the word “rare” in that last sentence. Maybe I’m crazy, but I’m not capable of having a discussion about a topic like the Supreme Court with someone who can’t name a majority of the justices. (Hell, I asked an entire roomful of people to name four collaboratively. They failed.)
Sometimes people ask me my opinion of something in the news. I tell them I don’t know since I don’t watch the news. (It’s part of that refusal to talk politics.) It’s kind of irritating. I used to read at least one newspaper per day, often two. I like keeping up on current events. Unfortunately, I find the tribal warfare that has beset our political discourse to have made it unhealthy for me to tune in. And I know I’m not the only one. In fact, I believe a large portion, maybe a majority, of America is right there with me.
I kind of miss talking politics. While my views mostly fit with one tribe, they stray often. Unfortunately, now no tribe is interested in hearing from any other. Each one thinks they know it all. Personally, I know that I don’t know shit, and neither does anyone else. I used to think we might figure some things out if we all accepted that notion. I don’t really have much hope for that anymore.
I just noticed that I’ve failed to post for about two and a half months. I suck.
I spent a month on the road with the wife and our dog Stella. It was sometimes fun, sometimes not. The good times were worth it, though. I just need to remember not to do it again. I’m too old for that shit.
Last night I submitted the final paper for my present school term. Assuming I do well enough on that, I will soon be one-third of the way through my master’s degree. I promised myself I would take a break before things get rolling again in a week. It’s hard, though. I’m tempted to start looking at what next term is bringing.
I’m also crazy to be thinking that I want to continue educating beyond this. I really want to pursue a PhD. I’ll look into it for sure. But at my age I don’t have a lot of confidence that I can get into an acceptable program. Plus, I have to take the GRE. Yuck.
During this break, I’ll be doing some stuff. In fact, I’m hoping to get on a good track of productivity. I like my chances of that even less than for the PhD program, but you never know.
You thought I was going to write Joe DiMaggio. I thought the same thing until I started typing that headline. Right at the comma I changed my mind.
I’ve been thinking about things to write, but I was planning to record so I could feel more free to just ramble about all the things in my head. I even started doing it until I discovered the batteries are pretty much dead in my portable recording device. So no go there.
Of course, I have plenty of batteries and other avenues for recording at my house. However, I am not at my house. I’m sitting in my office. I think I wrote before about starting my own business. Well, I rented an office for running said business. It’s pretty cool and has a big old chalkboard that you’ll see in the picture if technology cooperates.
My brain has been mushy for the past few weeks. I limped to the end of my first term in online grad school. I got an A- in methods and A in ethics. And still I’m upset that I didn’t do as well as I could’ve and should’ve. That makes me even more happy to have left my job.
I definitely have a lot more to say about that old job, but I think that’s a whole different post. There’s way too much there.
Anyway, I was feeling the need to get something posted once again. Maybe sometime soon there will be some audio. I make no guarantees, though, as I do have quite a bit to do despite my lack of current employment. The old job gave me plenty of excuses for neglecting other things that need some attention over the next undetermined stretch of time.
So blah I’m tired of my own self right now. So here comes a picture maybe.